Is spanking gentle?
October 29, 2008
I have struggled with this recently. This is an article that someone sent to me and I didn’t agree with it at all. Read it and then look at my reasons for disagreement and let me know what you think. Her basic premise is that spanking is bad because it is just hitting.
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/elizabethp/p1.php
1. She assumes that after a spanking a child is left to sulk. This is one thing that we do try to do with our son - restore our relationship after the spanking. If you let a kid sit and think, then yeah, he will hate you, but if you sit and talk about what happened and why you did it and tell him that you love him, then Blake, typically, will hug us and tell us how sorry he is.
2. I didn’t understand her second point at all. She said spanking takes away guilt. That doesn’t even make sense.
3. She says that spanking can lead to angry abuse. I agree. And eating can lead to overeating, and drinking can lead to drunkeness but that doesnt mean that we don’t do it.
4. In point four, she still hasn’t really said why spanking is bad. She says that it can turn into your only source for discipline, which isn’t a bad thing. Once again, she really hasn’t said why it’s bad, but just some pitfalls that we might fall into… if you can call disciplining your child the way that the Bible says to do it, a pitfall.
5. She refers to spanking as hitting. Hitting is reactionary. Spanking is calculated. It is sitting down with your child and explaining his punishment for something. It shows him that disobedience leads to a break in a healthy relationship. But then you don’t just leave him, you restore the relationship by forgiving and loving and hugging and singing and laughing. Spanking doesn’t hurt a relationship, it teaches.
6.She said that spanking doesnt work because you have to spank many times a day for the same offense. This is because kids are just as stubborn as their parents. There should be teaching through communication, as well as teaching through discipline.
7. She downplays Scripture and says that spanking isnt right because… she’s a Christian, and knows this… intuitively, I guess. She completely ignores the various verses on discipline. She said that the rod is something used by a shepherd and that he never hit the sheep. Even the King James Version in Proverbs says “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.” Why is the child crying? Does it hurt? Uh. Yes.
8. Once again, she equates spanking with hitting. Spanking should not be hitting. Spanking is loving and kind. There is a reason for it that goes beyond my own anger at the moment.
I do agree with her last sentence “Positive, respectful, consistent discipline is the real key to raising well-behaved children.” We just have different views on what that means.
Let me know what you think.
October 29, 2008 at 2:58 pm
But aren’t you just equivocating? The physical act of spanking IS hitting – you strike a child. Declaring it “loving and kind” is nonsense. Your *intentions* may be loving and kind, but you are still utilizing violence as a corrective measure.
You seem to think it’s different than hitting because spanking is “calculated.” So is a lot of spousal abuse. Being calm and acting according to a plan doesn’t magically make hitting “not hitting.”
Think about the behavior you are advocating. Your child is repeatedly being told (and shown) that he should associate physical violence and pain with singing, hugging, and self-loathing. “I got hurt because I deserved it, because I am bad.” Punitive violence all too easily becomes a state of mind.
I think you disagree with the author’s dismissal of Biblical “spanking” passages at your peril. The same OT books that command the physical punishment of children also command the execution of children who refuse to submit.
October 29, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I really agree with your thoughts! We plan on spanking…never in anger, however.
I was spanked as a child and was never afraid my parents were going to hurt me, abandon me, hate me, etc. I KNEW I was loved…I was secure in my parents’ discipline. Spanking did not cause emotional problems in me (or my siblings). If anything, I was taught to obey my parents because they had my best interests at heart.
That said, not all children respond well to spanking. Some respond better to lost privileges or something similar.
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I hope you keep blogging!
October 29, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I wrote and deleted a post of my opinions on this subject about 4 times. I am simply not a writer and would best argue my points face to face. This an incredibly loaded topic and it is difficult to get beyond emotions to the real issue.
But, for the sake of continuing this discussion I will try to convey the long and short of my opinion….
I disagree with the woman who wrote the article, but I also don’t think we are talking about the same thing. The story she relayed about her dad and her sister was not a story about physical correction. In the story we may have even giggled when we read about the belt ending up in the trash or especially the towels in the pants, but those details were a dead give away to me. This woman’s parents didn’t just struggle with how they physically disciplined their kids…they struggled with parenting in general. There is a relationship that is built as you parent. If that relationship is nurtured properly a simple spanking is not going to undo it. The father in this story was having a war with his 6 year old. She obviously did not respect her father, but I don’t think the spanking was the cause of this disrespect, but it definitely fueled the fire.
Overall, I would have to say as a Christian parent this is between you, your spouse and of course the Lord. To me and my husband it is pretty clear that the Bible calls us to physically discipline our children. We have developed guidelines to when why and HOW we will administer this discipline. As was stated before not all children respond well to spanking. I would caution you to know your child and adjust accordingly. I hate to sound so liberal, but really if you can’t do something in faith and obedience, then…should you do it? To me it seems like a black and white issue, but obviously it is not to other people. I would just really hesitate to come out and say that I have found the way to parent without having a root in something greater than just my experiences and emotions. I just don’t see where this woman’s argument is at all rooted in God’s Word (in fact she seems to be calling us all to ignore it a little) and for me her opinion is just not good enough.
So, yeah…I don’t know if that really made sense. You keep blogging and I will work on coming up with better responses!
October 29, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Good thoughts, Ginger. This business of spanking = violence is nonsense.
And she’s right when she says she doesn’t know much about the Bible. She tries to argue that “rod” is a tool for guiding sheep. But later in Proverbs, the writer says not to withhold discipline from a child because “if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.” Doesn’t sound much like a tool for guiding sheep to me.
Anybody who is honest with the text will conclude that corporal punishment is what is being advocated here.
October 31, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Hey, girl…you’re right. The lady who wrote the article is wrong. She obviously has some issues between her and her father that aren’t relative to the kind of loving discipline we were used too growing up and practice now. And by the way, the passage in Scripture means just what it says, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him(Proverbs 13:24). If we spare the rod, we HATE our children! Pretty strong words. There’s too much she says that I disagree with to comment on, but one thing she says is, “Spanking gets in the way of allowing a child to develop a conscience.” WHAT?!! The most intellectual term I can think of to describe this is WHACK! I think GOD develops their conscience through general revelation, then through the Holy Spirit once they accept Christ. Anyway, I better leave; I’m getting all worked up! Bottom line: Go with God & Scripture! Love ya
November 2, 2008 at 2:18 am
Hey Ginger — she really brings her own experiences as a chlid into play.
I am very thankful she has great kids w/out spanking, but Jeff and I have not been able to find a better, more Biblical way than spanking. We don’t pull pants down, etc.
Our children don’t through our spankers away, they find them and put them in the kitchen for me.
I read some more posts where people are trashing the Pearls, I’ve never heard the Pearls support not feeding a baby for 10 hours until they eat. And they were trashing Ted Tripp, shepherding a chlid’s heart is a GREAT book, and the Pearls say basically the same thing, just use different styles. The fruits of the spirit are what we, as Christains,husbands, wives, parents, members of the body, etc, need to exemplify to our chlidren and those same fruits are what we desire in our children.
Gentleness does not equal not spanking, you can spank and be full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, GENTLENESS, faithfulness and self control!!!! — there are nine aren’t there?? It’s late and its been a full day!!