Discipline or Training?
November 2, 2008
I had a sort of “aha” moment this week.
Blake is always getting out of his bed at naptime. He is allowed to have books in his bed but he can’t get up and play. Over the last few months I would go in there and spank him sometimes 10 or 11 times before he would pass out, exhausted from crying. What’s worse is that everytime that I would spank him, I would get more and more angry that he didn’t obey me. I tried something new this week, since that apparently wasn’t working. When I heard him playing, I would calmly go in to his room, pick him up and put him in his bed and say night night, don’t get up. I’d smile and leave, stand by the door, and wait for him to get up again so that I could calmly put him in his bed. Each time he screamed and kicked and yelled. I just walked out pretending to be unphased, though I really wanted to throw the child out of the window. He finally went sleep and I felt much better.
So here’s my point. Maybe my problem is that I am replacing training with discipline. Training is teaching your child to do something, whereas discipline is judgement for not obeying. But obeying is difficult if there has been no training.
Maybe there are times when it’s ok not to spank. Before we had kids I just assumed that spanking was the only acceptable form of Christian discipline. So we spank for everything. And I mean everything. It isn’t unusual for Blake to get 8 spankings before 6:30 in the morning. But now I have started to reserve spankings for more terrible offenses like hitting, biting, or yelling at me in defiance.
It seems to me like this is a biblical idea. In Genesis, God set up rules and boundaries and then lovingly talked to Adam and Eve before telling them what their consequences would be. But their consequences weren’t the same. Yes, they both experienced seperation from God, but the woman got pain in childbirth and the man got hard work. Maybe it’s ok then to use different punishments based on the offense and the child. Or maybe I am reading into it too much?
This much I do know. I am much less stressed when I don’t have to spank. Is that bad?
November 2, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Oh Ginger,
You have no idea how many times I have wanted to throttle my little girl and I do feel your pain. As christians, we should talk about what frustrations we have with our children. I think that there are times that it is ok to admit to another mother that you just don’t like being a mommy right now. I have been there and there are many days that I still am. I have struggled with the spanking issue myself because my parents believe that I am too easy on Anna Beth at times. They want unquestioned obedience but there are times that her behavior is directly related to what is going on. I pushed her and did not give her a nap… she acts out… some of this is my fault because she cannot control her emotions as well when she is tired. We have been working very hard to give her choices such as…
“Anna Beth, what is obedience? Anna Beth says… doing what I’m told to do, when I’m told to do it, with a happy heart. I say, that’s right, now you have a choice to be a sweet girl and obey like Jesus wants you to or you can disobey and make Jesus sad. What is your choice?”
This has completely calmed her during tantrums and she realizes that she has the power to make the decision and it is training her to make decisions based upon how this affects Jesus and those around her. Read my blog and you will know that you are not alone. You can find the link to it on my info page on facebook. I am praying for you and understand where you are. Teach your child the way that God leads you to, not the way that you have been raised. Our parents had to figure it out just like us and there were times that they made wrong choices just like we do. I think that as a generation, we need to strive to teach our children rather than informing them. There are times for spankings but it is after we know that they are just being defiaint and not un-trained!
November 2, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I think you are exactly right to see the difference in discipline and training. I have always heard, let the consequence match the behavior. Small offense, small consequence….big offense, big consequence. (spanking) Spanking rarely worked in our home—it only made Philip mad—I mean ANGRY!! I think it is helpful to find what is meaningful to your child and then use that in a meaningful consequence. i.e. He loves to play with cars, no cars, if he is disobedient. “No, you don’t have the privilege of playing with your cars, because you didn’t obey Mommie.” I think the bottom line is determining who is going to control the home—the children or the parents. Another thing is to go out of the way to find times when your children please you—obeys, is thoughtful, etc.—and lay on the praise. Then maybe he will desire that more than discipline.
Another thing I learned as a preschool teacher: I often heard kids say, “But I don’t want to (whatever you have asked them to do).” My answer: “That’s OK, you don’t have to want to do it, you just have to do it.” Most of the time that worked!!!
God bless you as you and Matt seek to raise godly boys. It is a tough job and I appreciate your careful and deliberate efforts.
Don’t lose heart,
Alice
(I submitted this for Mrs. Alice)
November 2, 2008 at 9:20 pm
ginger, there’s a great book called “hints on child training” by trumbull. it is WONDERFUL and it talks about the difference in teaching your child and training your child…not just in discipline, but in everything…even down to how to observe the sabbath. check it out and see if it helps you. it’s already helped me with dillon, even though he’s only 10 months old
i’m glad you have a blog!
November 3, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Precious Ginger,
You are exactly right in the difference in training and discipline. Once you have established the expectations and Blake understands them, then the spanking can reinforce them. Also remember to choose your battles, if the offense does not deserve any response, just walk away. I personally think Blake’s reactions are many times just attention getting devices. Remember above all that he is “fearfully and wonderfully” made in the image of God. And also remember he is a sinner and the main purpose is to change his heart. I love you and you must remember and reflect on the fact that Blake is, after the Lord and Matt, one of the two most important ministeries you have. I love you and your family very much. Mimi
November 4, 2008 at 4:36 pm
It just made me happy to read this post and even happier to read all the comments from your loving friends that want to see you succeed in parenting your sweet boys! I love you friend, I am praying daily for you! I love the advice everyone gave you and I am excited to read the book Janie suggested. This was a good lesson the Lord has taught you. You are a good mother and what’s more…you want to be a better mother! I am blessed to be just a year behind you in this parenting journey…so I can pray for you and watch every struggle because it will not be long before it is my struggle. You are NOT alone, all children go through stages which means we go through stages too!
Thanks for putting this blog out there so we can all learn with you!